How to Ruin a Relationship

by Jeffrey J. Williams

Christians talk a lot about how to grow and improve our relationship with God and each other but not as often about the things that poison them. There are things that some of us do in relationships that are like carcinogens to our health; poisonous actions, attitudes, and words that suck life, hope and pleasure out of the ones we say we love. Knowing what can kill a relationship is essential information to have if we are to grow and protect them.

Just like health, relationships are complex. Many factors contribute to building or harming them. If your goal is good health or fitness, then there are ingredients we all know should be part of a formula to achieve it. Sometimes there are things beyond our control, like ingredients in food, air quality, stress that comes from people or situations, etc. Still, it is good to avoid toxins if possible.

Below are some of the most toxic attitudes, words and behavior that I have seen in working with couples over the years. These are sure ways to ruin marriage and other relationships. Clearly the source of these poisons is not of God, but rather the enemy who always seeks to destroy any God-honoring relationship (I Peter 5:8). Know for certain when some of the following words are spoken that they came from hell (James 3).

Relationship RUINATORS

1. Make it all about you. Whenever there is a decision to be made, insist that it be the way you want it to be. Sing this to the tune, ‘it’s all about me.’ Put yourself first at all times.

2. Harbor resentments and project blame. Don’t let things go, and don’t talk about them. Make your partner guess about what’s wrong. Give them the silent treatment when you are mad at them. When they ask ‘what’s wrong’, respond ’you should know’. NEVER SAY YOU ARE SORRY. FIND SOME WAY TO PIN THE BLAME ON YOUR PARTNER;

3. Insist on getting your way. Refuse all opportunities to give partner a choice. Decide how you want things to be and manipulate to make them happen that way.

4. Put everyone else, and everything else first; work, kids, friendships. Don’t ever give each other your best energies.

5. Confide your frustrations with each other to your children. Poison your kids against your partner.

6. Confide to your parents. Get your family on ‘your side’. Nullify the idea that marriage is a partnership. Treat it as a competition instead. Make sure to win every argument and every issue.

7. Confide to a member of the opposite sex. This is a great way to develop an unhealthy attachment or possibly even a full-blown affair.

8. Demean your partner in public. Point out flaws, bad habits, etc. Use public settings to strike fatal blows to your partner’s self-esteem. Humiliate them so that they feel the pain that you think they’ve
caused to you.

9. Use BIG GUNS. Whenever you become frustrated, pull out the big guns. Threaten to divorce, tell them you never loved them, demean their appearance, etc.

10. As often as possible, make comparisons. Tell him/her that they act just like your mother/father, especially if they know you have issues with your parents, or they themselves have had issues. Don’t stop there. Tell them how you wish they were like one of their friends or an esteemed leader. Cause them to think that you are attracted to someone else if possible.

11. Start conversations with complaints. Use words called imperatives such as never, always, all the time; this helps to negate any good your partner has ever done, and will help them to feel hopeless about ever trying to do differently.

12. Be negative, sarcastic and hopeless. When you share a complaint, add on the tag, ‘You’ll never change’. Try to do this with a sarcastic tone of voice, and roll your eyes if you can.

13. Believe the worst and predict failure. Don’t believe that your partner CAN change, and don’t give them a chance. Predict that they will forever keep doing the things that frustrate you and hurt you, and make sure to tell them that you don’t have any faith in their ability to change. Remind them that the best predictor of the future is the past. This is a great way to protect yourself from disappointment. And, after all, you are probably perfect and wouldn’t ever need grace from them.

Guilt and Hope

How are you feeling after reading this? Live audiences get very quiet when I give this talk. I have a list of 30, but 10-15 is about all that a group can handle before becoming visibly upset and uncomfortable. Usually someone speaks up to explain the silence, “Most of us are feeling pretty guilty.. What can we do?”

Praise God that He provides an answer to that question, “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”, (I John 1:9, NIV).

Confess brothers. Acknowledge your shortcoming to God and pray for forgiveness. His promise is to purify you and to empower you by His Spirit to do differently. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You do not need to mourn or wallow in worldly sorrow that leads to death. You can respond with godly sorrow that leads to repentance (II Corinthians 7:10).

Doing Differently

It isn’t hard to discern what to do differently. In most cases it is the opposite or absence of the ruinator. For instance, if selfishness is a problem, selflessness is the solution. Since scripture is living and active, and the Holy Spirit brings it to mind, we need only to pray about what to do differently,

‘Father, please help me to know what and how to do different.’ BAM! Philippians 2:3 pops into mind, ‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves’(NIV). What does that mean, Lord? Have no fear. He will show you and tell you.

Ask Him, ‘What would you have me start or stop doing? What would you have me do more or less? What would you do?’ Then listen. He will tell you.

Bad News, Good News

The bad news is that some of us have really goofed things up in relationships. Layers of regret, pain and resentment seem impenetrable. Some feel unsafe with us and aren’t willing to give us another chance.

That’s ok. You can’t force it. Words are rarely enough to convince an injured spouse, child or friend to trust again. It takes actions, over time to ‘speak’ the difference that Christ is making in your life.

The good news is that you can be the man God made you to be by His life in you. One day at a time, as you submit to His Lordship, and take your directions from Him about what to do or not do and what to say or not say, He will lead you on a path of life, REAL LIFE, and REAL JOY; first in relationship with Him, and then with others, as His life flows through you.

Today is the first day . . .

No matter how low or alone you are, God has not forsaken you. He not only continues to want a loving, accepting and forgiving and relationship with you, but He also wants you to have the same with others that have skin on. Whatever you’ve done to mess up your relationship(s), even today, can be confessed and forgiven. Would you do that now? And then ask him what to do differently? Father, what would you have me do?

Relationships aren’t repaired in a day. It takes time. Don’t get weary doing good. Live unto Him, and don’t let lackluster responses frustrate you. Sometimes those we’ve hurt need some time to watch our resolve to live differently before they feel safe to let their guard down. Live unto One. Live for His pleasure.

If you are putting most of the effort into a ruined relationship you are seeking to repair, you might become frustrated and be tempted to quit. ‘Why try?’ you might ask? Because He wants you to try, and he tried His best for you, even when you were spurning Him. If He did that for you, then you can do it for others. In this way His life in you flows into the lives of others.

It’s not too late

The sad fact is that some you’ve injured may never give you another chance. That’s their right, and nothing you can control. You might grieve this very hard, but you also might have earned it. Still, that doesn’t mean that you can’t do differently and have different results in other relationships from this day forward. If you are among the living then there is hope, and God isn’t finished with you. There is no
doubt that His plan is still to cross your path with other to love you and for you to love. Commit yourself to being the man God made you to be and He will inevitably heal you, do some miracles in some relationships, and fulfill you with His pleasure and presence.

* About the author - JEFF WILLIAMS is a certified professional leadership coach and coach trainer specializing in the areas of marriage and family relationships, leadership and life purpose. He and his wife of 23 years, Jill, provide marriage coaching and training for couples globally. Contact them at Jeff.gtre@gmail.com, or Jill@graceandtruthrelationship.com, or 301.515.1218. www.graceandtruthrelationship.com. See Events for upcoming seminars.

Copyright 2009 Jeffrey J. Williams | Grace & Truth Relationship Education | Germantown | MD | 20876